Dear Glampa, When deciding between two Doms, how would a sub go about choosing? They don't know about each other and they both think the sub belongs to them. Asking for a friend. Signed, Sub-Lime! Dearest Lime, Um, keep both and they can mind their own business? The world is your oyster, so give 'em both the clam!  This decision lies within your hands.  If you're unsure which to choose, (and are sure you must choose) decide on one.  If it feels right, then you've made the right choice. If you are immediately  saddened by your choice, well... (I'm sure you can figure it out from here.)  Don't forget your safe word!  xox The Glaminator

Dear Glampa, I hate my job, passionately, but no one else seems to want to hire me. I'm still working at my first job, and have been there 16 years. I've tried a few different places with no luck. Should I just stick it out in my current dead end job, or keep trying until someone decides I'd be worth their time to train in something different than what I'm doing? Signed, Deadend Doris Dear Double D, This is similar to something I've dealt with my whole life. I want to be discovered like Lana Fucking Turner, sipping on my cola at Schwab's. Well, now I'm Lana's Great Aunt Frommet and instead of a cola, it's a whole pizza. And instead of Schwab's, it's my living room couch. To paraphrase the ever-wise Marianne Williamson, don't wait for someone to produce you, PRODUCE YOURSELF. What you're dealing with is something you have immeasurable power to fix. Stop waiting for someone to "train" you. Take the reins, sister, and ...

Dearest GlamPa,  I have fallen head over heels for someone I met online. Is that the done thing nowadays? Is it wrong to be happily planning a future for once my Spawns are grown and on their own? I mean, obviously we are meeting up in real time as much as we can, but most of our relationship is conducted on messenger and Skype.  Have I lost my damned mind?  Signed Internet Iris Well, Iris,  you're writing a man who dances around in a sarong and sings showtunes all day, for advice, so I'd venture to say, "YES, you've lost your mind."  B.) It sounds like you are talking about two separate things.  Is this a potential "catfish" scenario? By your note it seems as though you have actually met in person, so I am assuming you have. So, shall we move forward with that as our basis?  I know many, many people who've met online only to have a wonderful fulfilling relationship follow. I met my darling spouse on the interwebs, and we've ...

Dear Glampa, This rambles...... My thoughts on Sharon Stoned (see archive) .... it spoke to me on some level. I don't know if they're parents or just married with no kids. I feel like,  and it's something I'm struggling with quite a bit, is that we "grow up" and become "real" adults with responsibilities and mind -numbing monotony, that the desire to break free and experience some of the "highs " we felt when we were younger is tempting. Everyone's highs are different. Mine were soaked in freedom, drugs, partying, and adventure. My drug use, like she says, was strictly experimental with no real danger of addiction. There are moments when I would just love to get some blow and have a night to let the fuck loose. My husband has never partied like that, and can't now because of his job, but if he was willing and able....i think I'd enjoy doing what they do on occasion. Instead, I go camping with my college friends and eat ...

Dear Glampa,  Post anonymously please So Glampy, my husband and I have been hardcore partying lately. Like going out drinking and doing coke. We go through phases with this. We'll do it for a couple of months and usually only the weekend. Then we'll stop and not do it for years.  Are we bad people? Of course drugs are bad but there's no addiction and it really does brighten my mood significantly I want an honest opinion without being judged.  Xoxo, Sharon Stoned  Dear Sharon,  OF COURSE you’re a bad person, and I’d have it no other way!  There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start at the very beginning. Drugs, like guns, are not intrinsically “bad.” It is the way people use them that get them into trouble. I think I understand the spirit of what you’re saying, but sweeping generalizations like that usually lead to trouble. In this forum, let’s strive for clarity.  Secondly, addiction is a self diagnosed disease. The...

Dear Glampa,  After giving birth to two amazing little girls, I have been suffering from urinary incontinence. It’s as if these two little bitches couldn’t make their grand exit from the womb without giving my bladder a huge kick in the ass.  And while these girls are worth every drop of embarrassment, I do miss being able to sneeze, cough, laugh, and dance without a mess.  When faced with an oncoming sneeze or cough or if someone makes me laugh, I have to cross my legs and hope for the best. Having allergies AND hilarious friends, I find myself in this situation quite often.  Worst of all, I often have to modify my dance moves. Forget about hitch kicks and any moves that involve jumping. Every time my  Frozen-obsessed daughter sings, “Let it Go” I just want to turn to her and say, “Thanks, I just did.”  What do I do? Do I stop giving a shit and just let the pee pee flow or do I continue to contain myself? Help!  Sincerely,  A ...

Dear Glampa, I want to have sex with both Stormy Daniels and Michael Avenatti in the back seat of a race car.  Is there something wrong with me? Signed, I want to ride his BI-cycle Darling Bi, I’m sorry, I feel I must be very direct and frank. Yes,  I feel there is something wrong with you.  To the point where you’ve actually made me feel shame for you. What is the matter with you?  Do you have some sort of mental deficit? Please do not hesitate, contact medical professional immediately. You may be having some sort of  you may be having some sort of mental break.  Race cars don’t have backseats. Kisses and Xanax, Gl-pa Glampa, Is it weird that my ramen has banana flavored undertones? Signed, Is that a banana in your Ramen or are you just happy to see me? Dearest Nana, Proper food storage is paramount in keeping a clean and tidy kitchen. Have you ever noticed that if you have any food next to a detergent, often times it takes on the flavo...

Dear Glampa, I’m in my early 50’s and a little overweight. When I sneeze really hard my thighs tingle. Do I have diabetes? Signed, Want to keep my feet Darling Feet, Diabetic neuropathy is painful and very serious. Go to your local free clinic (don’t pretend like you don’t know where it is), and get your sugar checked. Until then, just be happy you still feel something below the waist. Xoxo Giggety Giggety Giggety Giggety Glamps

Dear Glampa, I have a friend who takes gym selfies several times a day. At first it was adorable now I’m feeling they are totally fucked in the head and I’m considering blocking him because who the Christ needs that much attention? What would you do? Signed Ain’t nobody got time for that Dearest That, Like a dildo with a clitoris stimulator, I’m feeling a two-pronged approach is appropriate. A.) Since this is somebody you’ve chosen to write dear old Glamps about, I assume they’re a friend that you want to at least keep some relations with. (Gym bunnies are fun to keep around, even if just for a rainy day. So long as you have headphones or they come with a mute button.) Speaking of mute button, May I suggest hiding or muting their posts for a little while?  Just so you can be sure you’re not making a rash decision by blocking them, and you can also give yourself a little bit of relief from the constant barrage of biceps and bulges. B.) This part always stings, but one of t...

Dear Glam-pa Why do I hate young people so much? Signed, Old and Crusty Dearest Crustina, Because they’re idiots. The biggest difference between young people and older folks is that most older people know that they’re idiots. If you don’t (know that you’re an idiot), let me be the first to tell you. (We’ll just pretend I’m the first. Like you tell all your suitors...) “Youth is wasted on the young.” Truer words have rarely been said, and as true as the words are is as infuriating as it is to see actualized.  Just patronize them and focus on the dwindling time you’ve got left. Don’t waste another moment, they’re too precious. Especially at our age! Keep on keepin on. Xoxo Glamps

My Dearest Glam-Pa The teenage years are already starting to give me chest pains but not for the obvious reasons and this is why I’m coming to you. My son turns 15 and goes into high school this year and the more I think about it the more pain and tightness I feel around my heart. I am truly afraid for my sons social well being. He is not the most social of kids. He has a small group of friends but mostly a home body like his daddy. I was fine with that up until now but this is HS! I want him to have a life. God dammit I want him to get a girl friend, first kiss, get laid even, ugh.... I can’t believe I just said that... I LOVED HIGH SCHOOL and I know that I am one of the few that did. But being a social butterfly 🦋 like I am, made it easier. My son doesn’t even like talking to family members that he hasn’t talk to in years... I don’t know what to do. I lay awake at night with anxiety pains in my chest and tears running down my face cause I’m afraid for his social future. I know that ...

Dear Glampa, How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this current administration? It stresses me out, I literally lose sleep over it. I’ve tried the whole “don’t watch the news” avenue but I want to and need to stay informed. And how do I handle his supporters? I bite my tongue and try not to judge, but to me this isn’t political it’s about morals. Please help me from wanting to throat punch these racist, sexist, homophobic bigots. With love, I want America to be America again ✌️ Dear America, When dealing with sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot, it seems one has a few obvious choices, yes? The “Skinny and Sweet” scenario, the mob mentality chase scene, or the ever popular “rooster to a hen, roasting spit” reaction. Now, I AM privy to the Snow White scenario, but who can still fit into their prom dress? So, we can forget that one. Number two... having a mob of migrant workers perhaps chase Trump into a powerful woman’s office and forcing him to beg for protection woul...

Dear Glampa, do you think is appropriate for my daughter who is 14, taller than me and gorgeous to have a face book? Xoxo Mommie Dearest Dear Joan; Now, I’m desperate for fame as much as the next girl, but let’s try to aim higher than “To Catch A Predator.” Children, while lovely as props, are not my area of expertise. But may I offer this? I would imagine the question first lies within you. Do you feel that it’s appropriate and do you trust your daughter? If so, maybe try allowing her to create a page through your page. One that can be monitored closely? Because, like driving a car, it’s not you that you have to worry about it’s all the other drivers on the road. Xoxo Glamps

Hey, there Glamps! I live down south and it’s so hot and buggy I want to DIE (or maybe just move to Canada).  Anyway, I’m in a bit of a pickle.  A red ant just crawled into my bra and feasted on my tit. My left boob is now red and welty and itchy. I really just want to be nekkid like the Good Lord intended me to be, but my house is infested with in-laws...11 to be exact.  How in the world do I balance being a good hostess with my need to self-care? Love, The Hostess with the Mostess Dear Mostess! Now, a swollen tittie is no laughing matter. I have it on good authority that Agnes Moorehead suffered from a similar fate on many occasion, (usually hers was an overzealous nipple lashing from a jealous lover. Aunt Hagatha hated to be played the fool, and Esmeralda had a pierced tongue. The rest i’ll leave up to your imagination.) Hence, we were gifted with the world’s most revered Muumuu. As a zoftig queen myself, I cannot overstate my love for that green and purple pi...

Yo Glampa!!! Soooo many questions to ask. I'll start with an easy one (I'm being facetious) why does being an adult and doing all the crap adults have to do make you feel dead inside?? ...... asking for a friend....... Signed, Hot outside, dead inside Dear Hot, Sometimes happy-ness, according to Buddha, is a choice. It doesn’t always occur when “playing grown-up” without having to work for it.  May I offer a change in perspective?  As an example, when paying your taxes; instead of feeling frustrated and concentrating on what money is “gone,” think about the fact that your are contributing positively to society. You’re helping educate children, repair the roads we drive on, and give those less fortunate than you a helping hand. Sure, you’re also paying for bloated military contracts, drones that accidentally kill innocent bystanders and Scott Pruitt’s sound proof phone booth, but that’s for another blog.  Happy-ness is a choice. You can choose it a...

Judgement gets a bad rap. People who say they never judge are lying. Every decision made is a judgment call. It is how one decides who they are. “Am I going to go to Lowe’s or Home Depot? McDonald’s or Burger King? Meth or cocaine?” Even judgements that seem to be tied to some sort or morality (heaven forbid!) are simply decisions. They may be directly related to our core being, and potentially carry more weight, but are judgements all the same. “I’m broke, should I pretend to scan the vegan fried chick’n and make the boop sound at self-checkout, or should I put said Chick’n back and just get rice and beans (again) and pay for them? Which person do I want to be?” Or “When I go on GMA and Robin Roberts won’t stop asking me to sing ‘No, no Robin. That was many moons ago. I couldn’t possibly,’ do I go Old School show tunes or try and sing what kids are listening to today? Is that Tom Jones still popular?” Who is to say what decision is right? There may seem to be a clear “socially a...