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For the PRIVILEGE to Pee!

Dear Glampa, 

After giving birth to two amazing little girls, I have been suffering from urinary incontinence. It’s as if these two little bitches couldn’t make their grand exit from the womb without giving my bladder a huge kick in the ass. 
And while these girls are worth every drop of embarrassment, I do miss being able to sneeze, cough, laugh, and dance without a mess. 
When faced with an oncoming sneeze or cough or if someone makes me laugh, I have to cross my legs and hope for the best. Having allergies AND hilarious friends, I find myself in this situation quite often. 
Worst of all, I often have to modify my dance moves. Forget about hitch kicks and any moves that involve jumping. Every time my Frozen-obsessed daughter sings, “Let it Go” I just want to turn to her and say, “Thanks, I just did.” 
What do I do? Do I stop giving a shit and just let the pee pee flow or do I continue to contain myself? Help! 

Sincerely, 
A Real Pisser 

Dear Piss,
Are you sure you’re not just a gappy old ho trying to blame your used up junk on your two beautiful spawn? If that is the case, may I suggest a “vajuvination?” Brandy Glanville claims that after being married and subsequently left by Eddie Cibrian, she needed vaginal rejuvenation surgery. She intended this to be an insult, but I was like “really, girl?” Eddie’s Q rating went off the charts with hoes and queers. I mean, who knew?
I’m sorry I’ve completely lost my train of thought. 
Oh yes, piss...
Now, in the real world where the closest most people can get to vaginal rejuvenation surgery is a yarn needle and some old twine, we have been given the gift of the Kegel exercise. Squeeze and release for a few sets a day, and after a few months you’ll be picking up pencils with the old girl! She’ll feel 19 again. 
It is not uncommon to lose the ability to keep it tight and dry. Other than it being one more way for old white male legislators to shame women, it is just the way the body works. Until we’re rich, we’ll have to go the old fashioned route of working for results. But, isn’t it worth the effort? 
Thank you for being honest and brave enough to tell an old queen that you pee in your pants. 

Now, Kegel until you can belt High G like Nancy Opel,

Glamps

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