Dear Glampa,
This rambles......
My thoughts on Sharon Stoned (see archive) .... it spoke to me on some level. I don't know if they're parents or just married with no kids. I feel like, and it's something I'm struggling with quite a bit, is that we "grow up" and become "real" adults with responsibilities and mind -numbing monotony, that the desire to break free and experience some of the "highs " we felt when we were younger is tempting. Everyone's highs are different. Mine were soaked in freedom, drugs, partying, and adventure. My drug use, like she says, was strictly experimental with no real danger of addiction. There are moments when I would just love to get some blow and have a night to let the fuck loose. My husband has never partied like that, and can't now because of his job, but if he was willing and able....i think I'd enjoy doing what they do on occasion. Instead, I go camping with my college friends and eat edibles, answer to no one, and try to grasp at that sense of freedom. For that brief moment, 24 hours of camping alone and having an adventurous solo 6 mile SUP session gives me that feeling back. The problem i find then in the aftermath, is knowing that i don't know how to find that feeling in my daily life and then I just feel this overwhelming feeling of sadness and stagnation. I lose sight of the wonderful things I have...a beautiful home, supportive husband, amazing children......but really I more often feel trapped and stuck in repetitive monotony. It's not good. I should be happy. This "dream" was what I wanted.....why then do I want to escape??
Rambling rose.....
Dear Rose,
Another large group of ideas to unpack, but to moi, it seems a different set of problems.
First, you said you "should" be happy. Should is one of the most dangerous words in the English language. "Should" by whose standards? Fucking June Cleaver? Screw that. You know she wore a clit stimulator under that big ol' dress. Nothing is as it appears.
Without downplaying what you're going through, the thing that struck me most is that you were lucky (and you may not know it!). Years ago a friend and I were waxing philosophical and discussing depression and suicide. He confided that he had attempted to take his own life before. I said I had thought about that at times, too, and that it scared me. I didn't feel inclined to act on it, but I had the thought all the same. He said, "Be grateful. When I attempted suicide, it just happened. You're aware of your thoughts and feelings." You, unlike Sharon, are aware of what you're feeling and choosing NOT to act on it. I look back at my skinny, 20-something, dancer self and the dozens of missed opportunities and cringe and weep. I want to revel in that glory again. Alas, there IS NO going back. Those days are over and we have to accept the state of our lives as it is. You have a lot to be grateful for, and you clearly know this.
Responsibility is oppressive sometimes. OK, most of the time. Yet, you chose that responsibility. Nobody (at least I assume) forced you to get married and have kids. This is the gig, pumpkin. If you need some escape, find something daily, or weekly, that you do solely for yourself. Needlepoint? Crochet? Masturbation?
Something you, and Sharon as well, said concerns me. You both (Are you LISTENING SHARON??) said there was no danger of addiction. That thinking is a danger in itself. Addiction is a limp cock, and it will sneak up on you and slap you in the face without warning. I'm not saying you're an addict, or anything of the sort. I'm saying don't assume anything. Eyes OPEN at all times.
You might benefit from having a professional to talk to. Therapy is amazing, if you can get over the stigma of your family thinking you've gone off the deep end. Do some introspection, (which it sounds like you do, and bravo!) and ask yourself if your feelings are easily surmountable or if something "chemical" is going on. Pills are fun, too. (and you get to pretend like you're still a crackwhore out on a Friday night!)
You CAN overcome this. You can also feel happy, grateful, and overwhelmed at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive emotions. Talk to your spouse and see if he can help lift some of the burden.
Love and Percocet,
G
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