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Adulting, timed births, and enemas, Oh, my!

Yo Glampa!!!

Soooo many questions to ask. I'll start with an easy one (I'm being facetious) why does being an adult and doing all the crap adults have to do make you feel dead inside?? ...... asking for a friend.......

Signed,
Hot outside, dead inside

Dear Hot,

Sometimes happy-ness, according to Buddha, is a choice. It doesn’t always occur when “playing grown-up” without having to work for it. 
May I offer a change in perspective? 
As an example, when paying your taxes; instead of feeling frustrated and concentrating on what money is “gone,” think about the fact that your are contributing positively to society. You’re helping educate children, repair the roads we drive on, and give those less fortunate than you a helping hand. Sure, you’re also paying for bloated military contracts, drones that accidentally kill innocent bystanders and Scott Pruitt’s sound proof phone booth, but that’s for another blog. 
Happy-ness is a choice. You can choose it at any given moment. It may not always be clear how, and while I can sit here and espouse, I am aware of the difficulty of the choice at any given moment. But, that doesn’t mean it’s not completely true.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it,
Glam



Dear Glam-pa,

I spaced my kids out by nearly six years because I found the thought of having more than one baby/toddler at one time to be abhorrent.  Now that my eldest is hurtling toward adolescence like a Shanghai subway car, I realize that I just traded one type of parental insanity for another.  While I have skipped the multiple toddler issue, my deliberate child spacing will leave me parenting a girl with an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex for the next 15 - 20 years.  I fear it will be karmic retribution for my own adolescence.  Any advice on how to not lose my mind between now and retirement? 

Signed,
Endless Adolescence

Dear Endless,

Payback is a bitch, ain’t it? Do you drink? That could help. (Until you find yourself crying in the car with your back-up vodka while the kids are fighting over which pumpkin is less “blumpy” two Halloweens from now)
Moving on.
Dealing with unexpected consequences is frustrating. Clearly you’re intelligent, which also comes with it’s own bag of shit. Don’t overthink the future and decide what it will be, just because you’re smart enough to envision what it could be. Nearly every situation has components we couldn’t possibly imagine. 
If things seem overwhelming, find something (however small) to do for yourself. May I suggest writing a blog? Screaming at a statue of Jesus for 10 minutes a day? 

Accept the choices you’ve made, without judgement. If it is not what you thought it would be, remember you chose it and, well, suck it up buttercup and make the best of it.

You’re smart enough to enjoy my snark,
Glam



Dear Glampa
Although I’m still beautiful and bring all the boys to the yard, since I turned 50 I’ve gotten a little puffy around the middle. I’m sure it’s just water weight, but until I get a handle on my acute hydration I could use some advice on how to keep it tidy downstairs around the corner. I do the best I can with over the counter toilet tissue, but sometimes I don’t feel fresh. Also I’ve noticed on occasion a mysterious brownish paper crumble on the floor. Any advice would be greatly appreciated asking for a friend. 

Signed,
Backyard Barnyard


Dear Backyard

As a person whose weight has gone from zero to 230 and back again, I know the troubles of the personal reach around. (And WTF about getting out of breath tying one’s shoes, right??) short of getting an elephant trainer and a hose, (that shit is spendy) may I suggest moist towlettes? Not the adult ones, go to the baby section. They’re the same thing and half the price. Make sure you get the flushable ones!!! 
If you suffer from “bottom-itis,” then tighten that shit up before you wipe.

I have no idea what you’re talking about, a friend told me how to answer this.
Glam



Dear Glam-Pa, 

I am the very proud mom of a bi daughter. She is nearly 15, and has been out to me since she was about 13ish. Her dad and I are divorced, and she was really afraid to tell him, as he has made some problematic statements in the past. Recently, she did tell him, unfortunately it was in the middle of the two of them fighting over her grades and not in the manner she wanted to tell him. He handled it well, told her she was still the same kid in his eyes she was before, and he wouldn’t stop loving her because of who she loved, all the right things. However, she says that he barely speaks to her now, and she feels like he does treat her differently. I’m not there to see, and she has mentioned that maybe she’s being paranoid, but I’m not sure how to help her navigate this. Any insight you can offer would be greatly appreciated. 
Insert Witty Name Here 

Dear Insert
First of all, good for all of you. You have a brave child, and you’re two understanding parents who did the right thing. My father and skank (bless her considerable hide) of a stepmother threw me out when I told them, so you folks are already ahead of the curve.

Your ex may still be processing. Remind your daughter that he is learning how to deal with this too, and tell her to believe what he said to her when she told him. She did a brave thing, but she may have to continue to be brave in order to truly feel comfortable in this scenario. 

Communication and compassion are paramount here, if I may offer my opinion. Give it time, and when your child feels ready, have her bring it up to your ex again. Try not to attack, or get him on the defensive, just tell her to express herself honestly (something she seems to be able to do, and that in and of itself is golden). If he truly has a problem here, it is his. We can’t control what other people do with the information we give them. We can only be who we are and hope for the best. 

These aren’t tears of melancholy, I just got some dust in my eye,
Glam



Dear Glampa

Does being a supportive friend mean lying to them or sugar coating the hard stuff?? 

Signed,
Genuinely concerned

Dear Genuinely,

I’m basing my response on the criteria that this person is a friend whom you want to continue to keep in your life and who you feel this issue is important enough to take the risk of engaging them about it.
I don’t think lying is always the right choice, but pick your battles. Does it matter enough to burst their bubble? Are they asking something they genuinely want to know the truth about or just looking for validation? Sometimes folks just want to vent and need to be blindly supported simply because they need their friend in their corner. Sometimes, putting them first and telling them, “Yes, Joey’s new girlfriend totally is stupid and has bad teeth and could NEVER look as good as you in culottes and espadrilles,” is regardless what you really think (I mean, no one looks good in that) is the right thing to do.

And, regarding “sugar coating,” may I offer a different perspective? There are ways of saying things that can put people on the defensive, and there are kinder ways of saying things so as to be “heard,” as opposed to being “right.”
One can say “No wonder why you can’t lose weight, look at how you eat!” Another option might be, “You said you want to lose weight, what things do you think you should change in order to do so?” And then make your suggestion.

Take the other person’s emotions into account when crafting what you want to say before you say it, and then think about how YOU would want to be spoken to about a sensitive topic. Try letting those things be your template and the rest is up to them! 

Being Dogmatic is for Jesus and doesn’t work very well here on earth,
Glam

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